BRITISH HUMOUR IS DIFFERENT
 
These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
 8 years old,
 Hateful little bastard.
 Bites!
 
 
FREE PUPPIES 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.
 
 
FREE PUPPIES.
 Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
 Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
 
 
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
 Must sell washer and dryer £100.
 
 
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
 Worn once by mistake.> Call Stephanie.

**** And the WINNER is... ****

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.

No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

 
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly.
 
"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking,
How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"

 
Children Are Quick
 ____________________________________

 
TEACHER: Why are you late?


STUDENT: Class started before I got here.

___________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?


JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'


GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'


TEACHER: No, that's wrong


GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

 (I Love this child)

____________________________________________
 
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?


DONALD: H I J K L M N O.


TEACHER: What are you talking about? DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

__________________________________
 TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
 
WINNIE: Me!

__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?


GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '


MILLIE: I is..

MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.


Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?


LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....

______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?


SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's..


Did you copy his?


CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
 
_____________________________

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
 
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?


HAROLD: A teacher

 
 
MEMORIES OF THE GOOD OLDE DAYS,

Remember when????

Andy


 
 
 
 
Ponder on these imponderables for a minute:-

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times,
Does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from
Holland called Holes?

3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person
Who drives a racing car not called a racist?

9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12. 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.

Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow
That electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,
Models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

14. What hair colour do they put on the driver's license's of bald men?

15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little
Spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What
Are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their
Pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while
They deliver the mail?

17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. (my fav)

18. No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.

19.. Ever wonder about those people who spend £1.50 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

20. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing
Section in a swimming pool?

21. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea, does that mean that one
Enjoys it?